Dear New Resident, Congratulations! You are now the proud co-tenant of a timeless shared living space. We know you may be experiencing a range of emotions right now, including shock, denial, and “what is that smell?” This is normal.
- You Can’t Leave — We know. We’ve tried. You’ll try too. You’ll get over it.
- No Mirrors — Because this isn’t about your hair. (Yes, even you, Estelle.)
- No Actual Harm — Eternity is long enough without sitting next to someone still angry about the chair incident of Year 1,024.
- The Door Will Not Open Until You All Stop Being Jerks — This is not a metaphor. This is the system.
- We Recycle Drama — If you must start a fight, please use recycled grievances. “Remember when you…” is fine. “You always…” is lazy.
- Orientation (Years 1–200): Everything is terrible. You hate everyone.
- Stalemate (Years 201–900): You can’t even remember why you hated them.
- Co-Dependency (Years 901–3,000): You start saving each other seats. Accidentally.
- Team Chaos (Years 3,001–???): Coordinated pranks on the metaphysical infrastructure.
- Unspoken Love (Endless): You would die for them. Again.
Q: Is this heaven or hell? A: Yes.
Q: What if I stay mad forever? A: Then your eternity is going to take longer than usual.
Q: What do I do if my roommate hums constantly? A: Learn the harmony.
The sooner you get through the “hell” part, the sooner you can enjoy the “other people” part. This is not a trick. Well, not entirely.